To Be a Better Negotiator, Learn How to Give a Little

Whatever your occupation, whether you are in a relationship or single, raising kids or keeping up with family, helping to take care of parents or grandparents, volunteering your time in different organizations, or spending weekends with a smaller circle of close friends, you are negotiating. 

Think about it. As we make or fend off requests, ask for favors, request changes to our travel plans, arrange to meet up with colleagues, or are on a date with a special someone, we have to negotiate on when and where to meet and what kinds of activities to share, we must take turns sharing opinions and experiences, or we must explore the opinions and experiences of those we are with. Life, in large measure, is about negotiation. Who goes first? How do we build trust and intimacy? How do we manage the dance of social interaction? 

But negotiation is a skill—one most of us haven’t learned or practiced. Most of us, most of the time, just aren’t very good at it. Maybe we’ve picked up a few tricks and strategies through trial and error, but they don’t always work, and we don’t necessarily know why they work when they do. And then, of course, there are the trickier, more formal negotiations we find ourselves in at various points in our lives—with our health care insurance over medical bills in the face of a serious illness or accident. Negotiating the terms of a divorce. Arguing with relatives or siblings over the terms of Grandma’s will. Or negotiating at work for a raise, a promotion, or more responsibility.

There are a lot of components that go into a successful negotiation. But before you can use most of those strategies, you need to get the other person’s attention. You must be on their radar. You probably want to jump right in and figure out how to get exactly what you want, right now, but you’ll discover it’s much easier to get what you want in a negotiation when you have cultivated a good rapport. And building rapport is how we begin teaching our courses in negotiation at MIT and the University of Michigan.

When I moved into my dream house, my husband and I were immediately faced with a hostile neighbor who confronted us about our driveway and well easement on his property, turning our initial excitement into dread and avoidance. I had never had an enemy, and I was simultaneously enraged and at a loss. I called my mom to complain, and she said: “Take him a glass of lemonade.” At first, I thought she was nuts… but once I did it, that small act of kindness, given freely, transformed our relationship. And eventually, I needed his approval for a crucial gas line easement through his property—after a couple years of relationship building, he agreed, and I learned how even a horrible relationship can transform through reciprocity.

You should develop the skill of reciprocity—of giving someone a lemonade—as a way to build a positive relationship. Now, what you offer doesn’t have to be an actual glass of lemonade, of course—it may be a sandwich, tickets to a sports event, a beer or a coffee. Or just a kind word at the right moment. The point is that you are offering the other person something that is valuable or meaningful or appreciated by them.

Giving someone a small gift to create a cycle of reciprocity works often enough that it is always a smart play in a negotiation. Granted, it doesn’t always work. A lot of glasses of lemonade are given away and don’t turn into anything. And that’s fine. It’s to be expected. As long as what you give away is cheap (or free), not getting something later in return is no big deal. You’ve ventured very little. It’s like fishing. Sometimes the fish takes the worm right off your hook and gets away. Sure, you lost a worm, but you can dig up another.

Here are three strategies that we teach in our courses to help build reciprocity: 

Give their favorite 

There are lots of different types of “lemonades.” You want to give the other person the kind of lemonade they like. If the other person is a colleague who you know is a Country Time Lemonade guy, don’t get him a lemonade kombucha. 

If your father-in-law wants a cup of coffee, ask him what kind he drinks, and get him that. This technique works better when you have the time to learn more about the person. Research supports the idea that customized gifts are more effective at eliciting a positive response. If you know your daughter’s teacher likes six-ounce lattes with vanilla syrup and cinnamon, for example, that works even better.  

Think like a kid

Reciprocity taps into a deep part of our brain. And often, simple things work especially well. Cialdini writes that gifts of food seem to trigger larger returns than equally valuable nonfood gifts. We suspect this is true because you are reaching someone at the base of psychologist Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. In other words, the same logic applies in a negotiation, whether you are offering the head of the PTA a cool glass of lemonade, a compliment, or a sympathetic word when she’s feeling harried. If you think your child would love the gift, then it is probably a good bet. 

Your choice

Remember, there’s a big difference between offering someone a small gift and surrendering to the other person’s demand. If the other person orders you to bring them a lemonade, don’t do it. Giving in to the other person’s demands will not get you what you want in a negotiation. If the person demands it, they don’t get one. If the person politely requests one, that’s OK. The important thing is that giving the other person something is your decision, freely made, without duress. 

That’s because when the other person demands something or threatens you if you don’t bring them what they want, giving in teaches them to demand and threaten more. 

Giving out a well-chosen lemonade is one way to start building a relationship and establishing a greater rapport. It doesn’t guarantee you can turn an acquaintance into a friend, but it sure increases the odds. Experiment by pushing that reciprocity button and watching for any changes in the other person’s reactions and behavior. 

Excerpted from NEVER SETTLE: Persuasion and Negotiation Skills to Get What You Want by Attia Qureshi and John Richardson with permission from S&S/Simon Acumen.